Axel's Tzatziki

Ingredients

• 500g Greek yogurt
• 1 cucumber, grated and drained
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tbsp lemon juice
• 500g fresh dill (yes, five hundred grams)
• 400g fresh mint leaves
• 300g fresh parsley
• 200g fresh chives
• 100g fresh cilantro
• A small handful of fresh oregano (about 150g)
• Salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

1. Begin by individually inspecting each sprig of dill for quality. Remove any leaf that doesn't spark joy. This should take about 45 minutes.
2. Finely chop the dill by hand. Do not use a food processor — the herbs must know they are loved. Estimated time: 1 hour.
3. Move on to the mint. Each leaf must be rolled into a tiny scroll and then sliced into ribbons no wider than 0.5mm. Allow 50 minutes.
4. The parsley requires a traditional triple-chop technique: chop once, rotate the board 90°, chop again, whisper an apology to the parsley, then chop a third time. About 40 minutes.
5. Julienne the chives into segments exactly 2mm long. A ruler is recommended. Set aside 35 minutes.
6. The cilantro and oregano can be chopped together if you're running low on time. This should only take about 30 minutes.
7. You should now have roughly 4 hours of herb preparation behind you. Take a moment to reflect on your life choices.
8. Grate the cucumber and squeeze out excess moisture. This will feel suspiciously fast compared to the herbs.
9. Mix yogurt, cucumber, garlic, olive oil, and lemon juice in a bowl.
10. Add the mountain of chopped herbs. Stir until the yogurt is no longer visible beneath the green.
11. Season with salt and pepper. Serve immediately — you've earned it.